In my last post I alluded to the difficulties I've had focusing over the past year.
I've actually never been a particularly focused person...well not sustainably focused anyway.
My hopes dreams and wishes have bounced around in a carefree manner. Tomorrow was an absolute and so comforting. I sometimes wondered when I'd feel like a grown up, and almost instantly dismissed the thought as unnecessary.
Then I got the call.
The defining moment. The dark line that gouged it's way across my life, clearly showing the before and after.
The call was from a paramedic, telling me my Mother had passed away.
I don't think I could have been more shaken to my core than at that moment. You see my Mum was to me, immortal, vibrant and constant.
I won't go into details. But the line was deep and wide, and over the past year I have longed for the before.
So what does such a huge life changing event have to do with knitting or crafting? It may seem inappropriate to even put them in the same post.
But knitting and creating are me. They were seeds that were planted by my Mum, the ultimate home maker.
Recently a new line has begun to paint itself across my life.
Not a deep dark one, but a dancing colourful affair, with carefree splodges and smudges along the way.
It snakes across the gouge and leaves it's colour in the darkness, so finally I can smile when I think of my Mum, instead of pushing her from my thoughts.
My knitting aspirations are reflecting the change in me.
I have over the past year, derived much comfort from knitting a well written pattern, from following the carefully thought out route that a talented person has mapped out.
They've soothed me, quenched my need to make, and allowed me what I've really needed...a place to rest my mind.
There are an awful lot of patterns I want to knit now.
Though no longer for the sanctuary that they've offered, instead purely for the result.
Thankfully, an old desire has recently re surfaced. The desire to just make.
To trust myself, my choices (and far more risky, my maths skills!)
So I have decided to begin a project that sprang to mind last year.
On Ravelry I called it 'Probably a cardigan'
Look, I even made a swatch!
Well I can say it will definitely be a cardigan, Knitted from the bottom up.
I decided to crunch numbers for a circular style yoke as well as a set in sleeve style, just to make allowances for that flittering mind of mine.
It's feels good to have it back.